Self-Doubt and Wanting to Be Perfect: 'Do you see what they see?'

Updated: Jan 12

I have always expressed an entrepreneurial spirit.


I mean, at 4 years old, I had an imaginary secretary, hairdresser and nail tech. My parents still ask me if I remember Ms. Ping who "used to do the rollers in my hair," or remind me how I used to see "patients" in my office aka my closet when my neighbors and I would play "doctor."


In my preteens, my friends and I would "clean" bathrooms for tips at a social club our parents were members of. We'd make a $2-3 a night and go to the restaurant next door to buy butter rolls.


Then as a teenager, I'd ask my grandma for $3.50 to buy a box of Betty Crocker cake mix and frosting to sell cupcakes at my Dad's softball games. I remember counting down the days until I turned 14 to be eligible for an official work permit.


It's hard to wrap around my head that how you are as a child reflects who you will be as an adult.


Till this day, if you ask me what I like to do, my answer is always: work.

As far as who I inherited this trait from, it's hard to tell.

Both of my parents are hard workers. A few years after they got married, they left their careers and country for the U.S. and ever since, they've been surviving.


I was brought up on survival.


My resilience was passed down to me from both my mother and my father. I have vivid memories of my mom selling Stanley, Avon, jewelry, every stereotypical product you can imagine just to make sure we had food on the table. For years, our small New York City apartment was a daycare to many children; always overworked and underpaid.


My father could have been an accountant but settled for factory work when he moved, and over the years has worked almost every customer service job in the book. He lost his job during the recession in 2007 and somehow kept a roof over our heads tutoring my neighbors and kids from around the neighborhood.


I am who I am because of how I was raised.


I recently discovered that my parents and I suffer from the same fear.

We're avid dreamers and have verbally expressed what we wish we could do with our lives but, can't seem to convince ourselves we can make it there.


I have friends and acquaintances that tell me they admire my "hustle," my fearlessness, my unconventional way of life. They admire the fact that I'm a risk taker.


It's all I know.


The problem is I want more for myself. As sad as it sounds, my friends see the vision more than I do. They'll say, "if anyone's going to make it, it's you Demi."

I'm trying hard to see the full picture.


In my previous blogpost, I mentioned how getting a therapist has positively impacted my life and even helped motivate me to start a business.

I'm in the stage of convincing myself that I don't always have to be a perfectionist. From the age of a toddler, I have always envisioned myself having a business, being my own boss. This concierge and branding agency is the foundation to the empire I envision myself having. Baby steps.

Ask me how it's going...


Here's a video someone I know, love and support made that expresses exactly how I feel.

@organicolivia


Olivia quotes a Ted Talk in her video about the discipline of finishing and how, "you can climb up the largest mountain if you only focus on taking two steps at a time and if you enjoy the present journey of those two step without thinking of how hard it will be to reach the finish line. We become so afraid to fail and so focused on how difficult reaching our end result will be that we prevent ourselves from giving things a fair shot. We don't even try to climb that mountain. We choose the wrong habits that self sabotage our progress but we must remember that failure only comes with the repeated bad decisions. Success comes with repeated good habits."


I have trouble believing that I'm good enough.

For as long as I can remember, I've never completed anything and if I did, it wasn't done with my best efforts.


After I promoted my agency, I had a different idea for The Young Workaholic. I wanted to delete its existence, make everyone forget about what I posted and repost it with its new purpose. This is a cycle I need to break. Baby steps, Demi. Baby steps. I have to get over this need to be perfect and just do it.


I plan to pause on promoting the agency and instead, showcase my life as a young workaholic and then incorporate my services.

After all, you wouldn't hire anyone you can't trust.


Why is it hard to practice healthy habits? What am I afraid of?

It all comes back to the family tree.


When I figure out why my parents were/are afraid of living out their dreams, how I can break this pattern and not let it interfere with my destiny.. I'll keep fighting.


Keep watering yourself, you're still growing.

As always, spread love.

Demi Diaz

Every life experience is a lesson,

every moment has it's purpose.

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